Face Off


New York City. Ice and slush on the ground; supposed to snow hard tomorrow; inside Diego’s apartment drinking Vitamin Water and eating Chef Boyardee; mentally preparing for Polish dinner in Greenpoint with my former coworkers; ’tis a rough life indeed.

Thought I’d do something unusual here on I Eat My Pigeon this afternoon as I wait for the Beefaroni to be absorbed into my bloodstream; that is, respond to a reader’s comment. Now I don’t do this very often, mainly because until recently, I haven’t gotten many*. But I got one today that has been asked before in various media, from you out there in Internet land and my own friends and family so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

*thanks, y’all.

Re: my most recent post about my awesome winter wear:

It’s adorable! Don’t listen to your boy; some men just don’t understand fashion. Well, to be fair and non-sexist, some women don’t understand fashion either. But anyways, the point is that your winter look is very cute.

p.s. Why do you always hide your face?

-signed, Odysseus

Thank you, Odysseus. I am adorable, no matter what my brother says. But “Why Do You Always Hide Your Face?” Good question. Here’s your answer:

That’s not one but TWO necklaces I’m wearing. Style, style, style.

I hide my face because I’m really, really, really, really, really good-looking.

Really. In fact, I’m so breathtakingly gorgeous that if you were to see my face, you’d forget all about the writing. Trust me; many have gone down this treacherous path. It starts innocently enough – appreciation of my nose, idle midnight musings about my eyebrows – but then you’d become obsessed. I mean, you’d want to make me yours. Girl, boy, whatever – you’d want me so bad it gave you energy.

You wouldn’t sleep.

You wouldn’t eat.

Pigeon, Pigeon, Pigeon: that’d be the ceaseless tattoo in your brain. Travel writer, schmavel shmiter. Do my words mean nothing to you? How dare you objectify me like this. And here I thought we were having such a great time together, weren’t we? Why would you want to risk our friendship by bringing hot monkey sex into the equation? I don’t want to do that – do you? I do so love our talks. No. No. The gorgeous face stays hidden. We remain travel blogger and travel blog reader. You remain in one piece.


Or:

I hide my face because I’m really, really, really, really, really hideous.

I’m not kidding. Babies weep. Horses shudder in disgust. My mirrors are all covered – even the one in my compact, save for a slice of reflection where I can check for sunflower seeds in my black, lump o’ coal teeth.

I wasn’t always this way, you know. I started out medium-ugly, as babies often do. But the accident. The flames. The petroleum jelly. The bamboo. I mean. At least I have my wit. My words. Are they as beautiful as I am inside? Only you can tell me. Tell me. Please tell me. Please make me feel love for the first time in my hideous, misshapen, troglodyte life.

The hideousness. Look away! Look away!

Or:

I hide my face because I’m famous and you don’t know.

Surprise!

Each day, I pat myself on the back to think that no one’s twigged after 5 years. You normal people with your public transport and your laundromats are such fools sometimes. But it’s true and it’s awesome. I’m famous! Haha! Listen – Diego and I are part of a celebrity sibling duo: Cusack, Gyllenhall, Beatty and MacLaine, take your pick. Everyone I write about is famous, too. Joy is Reese Witherspoon. My parents are Sophia Loren and Edward James Olmos. Leone is Roberto Benigni. Nero and Luigi and Rico are The Three Stooges. The DiVecchios are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes; Ilaria is Suri. It’s Juicy Hollywood Exposed up in this hizz, y’all, but I don’t feel like dealing with the lawsuits ’cause I’m busy trying to get taken seriously for something other than acting. Is it working? Are you taking me seriously for my beautiful prose? You are. It’s working. I can feel it working.

….

….

why do I never show my face? Why do I always use pseudonyms? Because I don’t like feeling as though I have to censor myself when I write.

Privacy, guys. Privacy.

Sarah Silverman… OR IS I?!


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16 Comments Add yours

  1. isa says:

    Love it! Although I am more curious than before….will you ever reveal your face? I have a hint it is super cute!!! I appreciate the suspence and think that a good writer should show herself through her words. I accept the privacy and rejoice to the visual pleasure you give me with your creative art.

    1. ieatmypigeon says:

      Thanks, Sophia. Tell Edward James – I mean, “dad” – that I said hi.

  2. Paul says:

    Hmm… based on the above beach photo, the fact that you’re one-legged is enough of a giveaway methinks.

    1. ieatmypigeon says:

      How many one-legged girls are running around Italy… I know. I just totally gave myself away.

  3. ayngelina says:

    Come on! Just one post with your face. You should charge for it, there seems to be a demand.

  4. Nancie says:

    I always figured you were either a famous somebody or a not so famous wannabe 🙂 The mystery continues………….

    1. ieatmypigeon says:

      Nancie – you’re half-right.

  5. Guppy says:

    I have seen the Face. I have hugged the Body. I have wept.

  6. robingraham says:

    Aaaah, so the face hiding is deliberate. I see.

    1. ieatmypigeon says:

      EVERYTHING I DO IS DELIBERATE.

  7. laurenquinn says:

    This is hilarious. I hella LOLed.

  8. Paul says:

    Maybe people who actually know your face and have access to images (and maybe Photoshop) should use them as blackmail to force you to write more often…

    1. ieatmypigeon says:

      Whatever you do, just make me look good. Haha! More frequent posts are on the way this year, I promise.

  9. Odysseus says:

    Just as I suspected. You were the cute yet spunky child star who once went by the name “Punky Brewster.”

    Also, I am now fighting the urge to comment on *everything* you write because: 1. you’re Punky Brewster and 2. you replied to my last comment by writing an entire post, which is pretty awesome.

    1. ieatmypigeon says:

      We can make a game of it. Give me something to write about when I’m racking my brain for ideas 🙂

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